IN THE NEWS: TA spotteed at bar

This happens to me all the time, except I'm on the other end. How embarrassing...

T.A. Spotted At Bar

September 15, 1999 | Issue 35•33

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Drew Phelan, 26, a Penn State University graduate student and teaching assistant for History 107: Introduction To Western Civilization, was spotted at the Bulldog Brew Pub last weekend, Section Four sources revealed shortly before class Monday. Read more

Another Weekend, Lost Forever

(a poem)

There once was a mis'rable grad student

who always tried to be prudent

but when friends knocked on the door

or called him a boor

He’d drop his books though he shouldn’t

Stupidest Way for Students to Save the Planet

It's after midnight, so technically Earth Day is over. But I just had to give you this one last environmental gem:

So I went to the campus gym tonight, and I notice water coolers all over the place. On each water cooler is a sign that says (to the best of my memory):

Disposable Water Bottles Kill The Earth!
Please Use Non-Disposable Water Bottles!
This Water Cooler is Here So That You Can Refill Your Non-Disposable Water Bottle!

As you know from my previous post, I am all for saving Mama Earth. But this tactic is a little ridiculous considering:
(a.) There are already a plethora of permanent water fountains in the campus gym
(b.) In addition to permanent water fountains and (now) temporary water coolers, a (second) plethora of vending machines selling disposable bottled water litter the campus gym.
(c.) What if somebody wants to refill their (gasp) disposable water bottle using the water coolers? Will a environmental hall monitor rebuke them? Will they make the thirsty person throw away their disposable water bottle in order to buy a non-disposable one? Or will they simply point the thirsty student in the direction of the water fountain?

IN THE NEWS: grad-scool-ruled notebooks

Just when you thought finishing grad school would be impossible, an unexpected savior arrives...

Mead Releases New Grad-School-Ruled Notebook

RICHMOND, VA—After decades of only offering ruled notebook paper suitable for college-level education and below, school-supply giant Mead introduced its new grad-school-ruled notebook Monday, which features lines twice as narrow as college-ruled paper. Read more

Thanks Scholarpreneur!

Gee, it seems that EVERYBODY but everybody loves my grad student advice column. OK, fine, I'll make a few more of them when I get around to it. But in the meantime, let me brag some more about my growing hit count.

Click here to see my cumulative 30 seconds of fame as well as some other cool posts from college students.

PS. If you're interested, Scholarpreneur is a rad blog about college stuff. Enjoy.

Thanks Student Bloggers!

I don't know who you are or how you found me, but I always appreciate the free pub, especially when it involves Bowie knives.

Here's my 15 seconds of fame.

PS. Your site is really cool too!
PS2. I like all your pranks.
PS3. Maybe that's what my thesis is missing: not enough pranks.

IN THE NEWS: If only my thesis research was this useful...

Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene

PROCRASTINATION: Craigslist Missed Connections #1

This isn't procrastination, it's a public service. If you think this may be you, let me know and I will forward you the lovely lady's contact info.

renaissance festival today, you were playing the digeriedo - w4m - 26

You had reddish hair, and you were in costume working at the bongo drum booth (store, whatever?). You overheard me telling my aunt something about Colorado, and you asked if I was from there. I said yes, and gave some smartass reply about living in Boulder, and now living in [state retracted]. The bongos were rad, but ultra expensive.

But anyway, you were super hot, and I'd totally do you.

Signs My Thesis Has Taken Too Long #29,585,494

I like to study in a little outdoor area on the side of my house. I'm there so often that birds and small woodland creatures (i.e., neighbors' cats) are no longer afraid of me. In fact I can't get them to go away. I'm like the graduate student version of St. Francis of Assisi, except that I offer no message of hope.

Thesis Progress: Working on the corrections I do have; hope to pull a miracle (since I'm apparently a saint) and finish them all by tonight. But it's doubtful, and my procrastination isn't helping.

lost things or lost cause

Thanks to a kind fellow blogger, I discovered that Antony is the Saint of Lost Things. Unfortunately, when I finally reached his offices, his secretary referred me to St. Jude. As I walked down the block to Jude's office (all the saints' offices are lined up, kinda like embassy row), I assumed that St. Jude must be in charge of "success in education" or "extraordinary intellect and achievement" or at least "graduation gown fittings." But before I arrived, I saw the sign:

WELCOME to the offices of

St. Jude: The Patron Saint of Lost Causes
& Desperate SituationsPlease take a number.

I just walked away, dejected. No reason to bother a leader of a religion I don't even belong to. Back to studying I guess. ...

But wait ... a SIGN! In the middle of writing this very blog, my roommate's girlfriend found and delivered two of my long lost backpacks*! Maybe somebody is telling me to keep the faith.

*If you really must know, a year ago I lent the backpacks to her friends for a camping trip and the friends subsequently disappeared...

PANIC AT THE THESIS!

My thesis task for the week is to input my adviser's corrections. I have the first half. But where are the rest? The search begins...

3 am: Frantically tear through everything I own
3:30 am: Try to remember the Catholic saint of lost things.
3:31 am: Fail. Continue searching without the aide of a supernatural deity.
4 am: Give up for the night and refuse to set the alarm out of a sense of defeat.
Noon: Expand search to places the corrections can't possibly be.
12:15 pm: Verify that corrections are NOT in underwear drawer, sock drawer, car glove compartment, console, or trunk. Nor are they under bed (roommate lifted it for me).
2:30 pm: Am reduced to flipping through papers I've already searched. The corrections continue to not be in said papers.
Now: Heart attacking-inducing panic and dread combined with confusion as to next step.

Please send me your suggestions. I am desperate. Do I fess up? Do I do the corrections without his advice? Do I flee the country? Continue searching? Do I tell my professor that if the White House cannot help but lose their most important papers, how should I, a mere graduate student with no political office, be expected to do any better?

DIY Grad Student: Reuse old shotglasses

Has your undergraduate collection of shot glasses been rendered obsolete by long hours of studying and grad-school induced nerdiness? Has green tea replaced tequila as your drink of choice? Then DIY* Grad Student has what you need!

First I want to say congrats on the green habit. Way to get a few antioxidants with your caffeine! And unlike Red Bull, your liver won't explode on graduation day.

But where to stash those used tea bags until you want to brew a refill? It's not like people own matching china teacups with saucers anymore. "What ever shall I do with my tea bags, DIY Grad Student?" you ask.

Never fear loyal readers, DIY Grad Student has your answer! Use the shot glass! It's the perfect size to hold a tea bag, and the tacky, little Senor Frogs illustration will remind you of the good old days, you know spring break '97 in Cabo. It really works!

DIY Grad Student wants you! Tips? Testimonials? New DIY solutions? Send them in! And we just might print them. Or keep them secret and use them for ourselves.

*DIY is hipster slang for "do it yourself"

Thesis Progress: I reached a giant milestone yesterday, and I don't want to lose my momentum. But I'm feeling a little burned out.

Top 10 Lies Told by Graduate Students

I'm really freaking out about my thesis and need to try to be at least a little bit productive today, so here is something that other people have to say about the horrors of graduate school. (Note: I've told No. 4 the most and people are always telling me No. 9, which I can only assume means I must be a really good writer.)

(taken from the Harvard Crimson)

http://www.english.uga.edu/~clandrum/example_html/joke.ex2.html

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

THESIS PROGRESS: 9 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

I