ASK A GRAD STUDENT: Help, I hate my thesis

hey
I am totally depressed and the reason is my master thesis. I have reached a place where I need help and every time I go to my mentor she brushes me off and suggests I go to some proffessor in some other department to ask for help. Nobody wants to help me and I cant achieve any progress. I think of quitting but then I cosider the time and money I spent and how my family will be dissappointed at me till the end of time . Arghhhh it is making my life a hell
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Because you are a real person and not some fake letter I made up just to be funny, I will give you real advice. You have listed several problems, and as I proved in my previous blog entry, it is best to take little bites and chew very slowly.

First, it is important to understand that theses were invented for the express purpose of torturing people. It's the nerdy version of hazing. So, there is no way to solve thesis misery except by saying, "Thank you sir, may I have another."

Next we will address your desire to quit. Of all the problems this one is the most vital. It's normal to want to quit, and you must sit yourself down and think carefully about whether or not you really should. Depression is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong, and it may really be worth it to quit. Either way you must make a full and complete decision and stick to it. If you decide to quit, you are my hero and are free to quit reading at this point.

Assuming that since you are still reading you have made a firm decision to stay in the rat race, the problems you have with unhelpful professors will fall into place. At this point, it is a simple matter of jumping through hoops until they give you a diploma. Since you have made your decision to graduate at all costs, walking across campus to a different department should be quite easy.

Don't forget to communicate your thesis commitment to your professors. Perhaps they have been standoffish because they have sensed your past thesis-hatred. But as soon as they are sure you're in the game, they will be more likely to help you. Also, it's OK to be persistent. You know what they say: The annoying student gets the degree.

Even after you have followed my advice, graduating will still not be easy. But once you're done, you're done forever ... unless you choose to get a PhD.

Good Luck!
Miserable Grad Student

Thesis-induced Depression

By yesterday, all of my problems had built up until I was completely overwhelmed and depressed. This was not some sort of ha-ha mock depression made for blog audiences; this was true physical anguish. I could feel the unhappiness weighing down my extremities and curdling my stomach.

Maybe leaving the house would help:
At Starbucks, all I could do to keep myself together was lean my head against the wall. And eat a chocolate chunk cookie. The cookie helped, but only temporarily. By telling myself, "You're going to be miserable either way, so you might as well get some work done," I was able to make a little progress. This phrase became my mantra.

Maybe going home would help:
Then I went home for the hiding-under-the-covers form of therapy. I guess it worked; I fell asleep. But then I woke up.

Maybe exercise would help:
Feeling a little better, I opted for an exercise class (studies show that a good sweat is about as effective as antidepressants; don't quote me on this). But all I could force myself to do was follow along in little half-movements, and tears kept welling up in my eyes.

Maybe going home would help:
So I left halfway through. (The only other time I've left exercise early is when I had just been hit by a car and my ribs were hurting.) The wettest of my tears dribbled below my sunglasses and then evaporated in the wind as I biked home. Home was no better.

NOTE: Painting is yet again by Banksy. Who knew that a London street artist could understand the pain of a thesis writer so eloquently?

STUDY ANTHEM O' THE DAY: "Miss Misery"

When I revert to Elliott Smith, it's a sign that things can only go up from here, right?

PS. I LOVE Elliott Smith.


Elliott Smith "Miss Misery" (Directed by Ross Harris)

Is there more to life? Not in grad school.

The Highlight of My Day:
My roommate's girlfriend is from a foreign country. She brought some exotic sheep cheese from her homeland. I tried a slice. It was a little weird. Now there is a strange taste left in my mouth.

That is the best thing that has happened to me all day. Am I depressed? Or is my thesis depressing me?

I think I am depressed. This whole delay in graduation is really bringing me down. I could barely gather the energy to type in the tags for this post. It just seemed like too much effort, but in the end I pulled through and even created a new tag. If only I could do the same for my thesis.

Defeat?

I feel like crying. As you may have noticed from the obnoxious countdown at the top of this page, the deadline to apply for May graduation was yesterday. I did not apply. Defeat. There's always August, but this delay has really kicked the wind out of my gumption.

So today I am trying to rally. I am on campus trying to still finish my corrections on my lit review. It is not going well. And one of my old students--by pure, old-fashioned bad luck--sat down across from me. She is staring at me; I am actively ignoring her.

Gods of thesis-writing, please deliver me from this trial. I beseech you.

(The above picture by Banksy illustrates how I feel today. Does a transition from pie-in-the-face to dead flowers mean that things are getting worse?)

VIEW FROM THE IVORY TOWER: Industrial Water Fountain

No witty banter around the water cooler for you, my friend. (Of course, ya can't chat about last night's American Idol gossip when you're too busy studying to watch TV. So think of it as sweet release from your social ineptitude.) Nope, you get the industrial water fountain; it's your share of Soviet-era plunder from when we won the Cold War. Congratulations. On the bright side, if you're drinking microscopic lead chippings, you can always sue the university. Sure, your $50 million settlement will deprive the next generation of research funding, but hey, you'll have finally found a way to strike it rich as an academic.

PS. Oh the sacrifices I make for you, my readers! ... I endured a string of weird looks from undergrads who simply could not fathom why one of their superiors would need to document the library's water fountain with a camera phone.

Study Anthem O' the Day: "Burn My Shadow"

It's nearly 2 a.m. and my ability to string words together needs to be conserved for the thesis all-nighter. In lieu of writing, I'll let this music video speak for me. It pretty accurately describes my inner turmoil and back pain. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. This video is pretty dark, and my life isn't so horrible in comparison. Now that I think about it, I don't know how conducive the music is to studying. You tell me.


UNKLE - Burn My Shadow
The actor is Goran Visnjic and the vocalist is Ian Astbury (from The Cult)

Study Anthem O' the Day: All Night Music

OK, ok, I know I must to get back to work. But first I need to tell you what to listen to when pulling an all-nighter. You need something without distracting lyrics. And you need a fast, hypnotic beat that slowly speeds up until you are zombiefied. You need an organ donor. DJ Shadow will make your donation. Thank him by putting that new liver to good use with a couple "study shots" (Bonus: this song is quite cool musically.)

DJ Shadow's "The Organ Donor"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRS8cM4lyKY

For a jazzier zombie music option try: Medeski, Martin & Wood

THESIS PROGRESS: 29 of 40 pages. But to be honest, I'm only about halfway done, and it's going to hit over word count. Thesis gods, I call unto you. Caffeine gods, I beseech you. Self-discipline, please return to me. I need all the help I can get.

Let Me Count the Ways

I just realized that I have yet to follow through on the title of this blog. I have written around my thesis but I have not yet written about it. Don't worry, I will spare you the gory details (and avoid yet again compromising my anonymity). But it's only fair I share a few reasons why I hate the thing that I have (temporarily, I hope) devoted my life to. I am oh so tired (and still have to study more), so you only get one tonight. But more will follow ... sooner or later.

Reason I Hate My Thesis #1
I got to choose the topic (naturally), so the research is actually pretty interesting ... or it was two odd years ago when I first laid eyes on the beast. Now my brain registers "thesis" in the same category as these lyrics, "There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold..." That's with a cringe, if you had to ask. Yes, my thesis is like Led Zeppelin. It was so amazing the first 10 million times I heard it. And now, I can only sigh.

Thesis Progress: That's another cringe and a sigh. I'm royally in big big trouble. I do not know how I will produce magic between now and Friday.

It's Kinda Like the Pickles and Ice Cream Craving

But it's not pregnancy, it's thesis-ancy. Same symptoms, different source. (Bright side: Alcohol is encouraged instead of forbidden.)

I'm really really REALLY stressed. I have about 24 hours to write about 25 pages (or 48 hours if I don't proofread). I'm also exhausted. It's 1 am and I've been up since 6:30 am. That means it's time for thesis food. Obviously, I don't have time to grocery shop. But being a graduate student, I have the intellectual capability to make a few strategic culinary substitutions. Here is the recipe for the snack I just ate (You decide how many gold stars it's worth):

Grad. Student's Mock Chips & Dip
Ingredients:
1 pkge ramen noodles (or any other carb/starch will do)
1 container of sauce (I used Valentina Salsa Picante, but any kind will do)

Directions:
1. Without opening package, crush dry noodles until they are broken up into bite-sized bits
2. Open package
3. Set flavor packet aside for future use in other recipes
4. Pour sauce on noodles
5. Consume

Dry ramen noodles are actually quite good. And I attribute my sour stomach to the hot sauce (ingred: water, chili peppers, vinegar, salt; imported from Guadalajara, Mex.), not the noodles. But at least I have enough carb power to fuel a couple more hours of studying!

THESIS PROGRESS: I'm still awake
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

Signs My Thesis Has Taken Too Long #2

The freshman I taught when I started my thesis are now old enough to drink ... and sometimes they chase me down in local bars and say, "I'd never thought you'd still be here."

Thesis Progress: Page count has not changed; I'm actually doing a lot of "pre-writing."

Top 10 Lies Told by Graduate Students

I'm really freaking out about my thesis and need to try to be at least a little bit productive today, so here is something that other people have to say about the horrors of graduate school. (Note: I've told No. 4 the most and people are always telling me No. 9, which I can only assume means I must be a really good writer.)

(taken from the Harvard Crimson)

http://www.english.uga.edu/~clandrum/example_html/joke.ex2.html

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

THESIS PROGRESS: 9 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

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Turning lemons into...

This evening I prevented scurvy the old fashioned way: hand squeezing lemonade. It didn't seem ridiculous when I was doing it, but I guess it is. And it didn't even turn out that good. So here's a little wake-up call for all the annoying people who perpetuate that used-up slogan:

• life better give you more than lemon, cause one measly lemon doesn't make much of anything except lots and lots of seeds
• Lemonade needs so much sugar to make it palatable that you could substitute lemon juice with water and not only save lots of time but also make it healthier
  
• maybe procrastinators would be well-served in investing in one of those juice squeezer things