The Elevation of Procrastination

I love Slate.com! Sometimes it gives me a reason for living. Often it gives me a reason to avoid working. Last week, it did both. And it explained the raison d'etre of my blog in the process. You guessed it, my dearest Slate did a special issue on procrastination. I wanted to provide links to it everyday, but I never got around to it. So here are the links to all their amazing articles on procrastination in one easy blob. Enjoy!

Tuesday

"Lollygagging Through Life: I'm joining Procrastinators Anonymous—can I get past step one?" by Emily Yoffe. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Procrastination Lit: Great novels about wasting time," by Jessica Winter. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Lazy Money: The procrastinator's portfolio: An investment guide," by Daniel Gross. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Letter to a Young Procrastinator: Some last-minute advice from a veteran slacker," by Seth Stevenson. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Procrastinators Without Borders: Do the Japanese waste more time than we do?" by Heather Smith. Posted May 13, 2008.

Wednesday

"Solitaire-y Confinement: Why we can't stop playing a computerized card game," by Josh Levin. Posted May 14, 2008.

"Pro·cras·ti·na·tion: How we got a word for "putting things off," by Ben Zimmer. Posted May 14, 2008.

" 'It's All in My Head': Did Truman Capote and Ralph Ellison have writer's block—or were they just chronic procrastinators?" by Jessiac Winter. Posted May 14, 2008.

Thursday

"The Unfinished Stories: All the stuff we never got around to including in the special issue," by Daniel Engber. Posted May 15, 1008.

"Like There's No Tomorrow: How economists think about procrastination," by Ray Fisman. Posted May 15, 2008.

"Procrasti-Nation: Workers of the world, slack off!" Posted May 15, 2008.

Friday

"Taking Your Time: Josh Levin and Seth Stevenson finally get around to answering readers' questions on procrastination." Posted May 16, 2008.

Deadlines Smedlines (Part I)

The deadline for the next portion of my thesis is (or was) today. I made a pretty good effort to meet it ... that is until one of my friends invited me to a local music festival. Yes, it’s quite irresponsible to go to a music festival the day a paper is due. And no, I never would have dreamed of doing such a thing in high school or even college. But in an effort to be at least a little responsible, I did set my alarm for 6 a.m. to finish before the festival.

I did wake up. I did not finish.

I left my friend at the festival about an hour ago. Now, I’m at the loneliest coffee shop in the world trying to pass the time and get a few lines (of my thesis, NOT my blog) written before going to a bar with another one of my friends.

The coffee man (this is an indie place, so he is definitely NOT a barista) has been watching the game with a sigh on his face. Then, when I wasn’t paying attention, he muted it and put on an old Stones CD. The words, “What a drag it is getting old” blasted at me, the aging only customer in the shop. The abrupt change in music had the effect of seeming like it was part of the game. But then it kept going with its creepy minor key and tales of yellow pills, even after the play ended. Classsic rock is normally annoying in the over-played way. But tonight, alone in this desolate, hot, sticky coffee shop, it sounds new again. And scary.

Perhaps I should have heeded the hand-written “CASH ONLY” signs that were never there before and hightailed it to the Starbucks across the street. Instead I pulled out all the cash I had, tossed three ones on the bar and said, “What can I get for two dollars? I wanna tip you one.” Coffee man filled up a mug of black coffee. And here I am, alone with my thesis, the game, and the oddly terrifying sounds of Mick Jagger.

IN THE NEWS: Fun with Science

If only my thesis was on this topic, I would have graduated years ago...

Masturbation may prevent prostate cancer

Frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer, Australian researchers have found. It is believed that carcinogens may build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly, BBC News reported on Wednesday. Read more>>

Reading Quiz:
According to this article, at least how many times a week do you have to ejaculate in order to reduce your risk of cancer by a third?
(a.) 1 time
(b.) 3 times
(c.) 6 times
(d.) 12 times

READERS SPEAK: Fave form of procrastination

Perhaps I gave you guys too many choices on this. Or perhaps you, dear readers, hate your childhood pen pals. But why is nobody into planting vegetable gardens? Don't you guys know the dangers of corporate, pesticide-ridden produce? Sheesh. But who am I to judge? I've fallen prey to all these forms of procrastination ... and more.

What is your favorite form of procrastination?

Learning how to quilt/cook/ride a motorcycle	1 (7%)
Cleaning the house	0 (0%)
Reconnecting with 2nd grade pen pal & traveling to Prague to find them	0 (0%)
Blogging	3 (23%)
Planting a vegetable garden	0 (0%)
Weeping & gnashing of teeth	3 (23%)
Training for a marathon	2 (15%)
Staring into space	4 (30%)

Votes so far: 13
Poll closed

What's worse than a thesis?

TAXES! Of course, I've put them off until tonight. But I had a good excuse: I was waiting to finish my thesis. But here it is April 14, and no thesis and no taxes. By tomorrow, I'll have one of the two completed. Can you guess which one?

NOTE: This painting by Jose de Ribera represents the way I feel about taxes.

DIY: Fun with Procrastination!

1. Type "French military victories" into Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky" search.
2. Have fun.

PROCRASTINATION: Craigslist Missed Connections #1

This isn't procrastination, it's a public service. If you think this may be you, let me know and I will forward you the lovely lady's contact info.

renaissance festival today, you were playing the digeriedo - w4m - 26

You had reddish hair, and you were in costume working at the bongo drum booth (store, whatever?). You overheard me telling my aunt something about Colorado, and you asked if I was from there. I said yes, and gave some smartass reply about living in Boulder, and now living in [state retracted]. The bongos were rad, but ultra expensive.

But anyway, you were super hot, and I'd totally do you.

All-night update

It's 1 a.m. I'm sipping vanilla vodka & Diet Coke to both rev me up and calm me down. I'm also listening to RJD2 (a strong candidate for future Study Anthem status) to get me in a pounding yet chill rhythm. I don't know if this means I am on or off track. The fact that I'm writing this and not the other thing might (or might not*) be a bad sign.

*In my pre-blog era, whenever I got stuck writing I would look at pictures of my exes on MySpace. It was quite depressing. So sharing my feelings through blog, though not productive, can't be any worse than retroactive stalking.

You Earn a Gold Star

As a way to motivate myself to work on my thesis, I created this start system (a la kindergarten). Unfortunately, I never had the time to buy gold star stickers, so nothing ever came of it. But I'm posting it here, cause you may be more diligent than me. Let me know if it helps you out...


To earn a star:
- one hour undistracted work or 2 hours distracted work
- waking up without snooze
- waking up at 8 am (2 stars)
- waking up at 8:45 am (1 star)
- saying no to an invitation in order to work
- at least 5 hours of work in one day
- reach a milestone on project
- in bed by 1:30 am
- say no to unhealthy food temptation/eat a healthy meal
- going for a walk instead of snaking when stuck
- riding bike instead of driving
- ordering plain tea/coffee instead of sugary drink

Star rewards:

Five Stars
- one hour reading a fun book
- one hour nap
- buy a magazine

10 stars
- meal at restaurant
- rent a movie
-write a blog

15 stars
- go hiking
- buy a CD
- go to bookstore

20 stars
- buy a book
-rock climbing gym
- hang out with a friend

THESIS PROGRESS: 23.99 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

St. Paddy's Distraction

I fielded off three invitations to celebrate the green-beer holiday via text message from my study post at no-internet Starbucks. I forced my self to study until the barista forced me to leave and then went home to study more. Except that I couldn't get a parking space in front of my own house. I finally parked in front of the neighbor two houses down and then heard music blaring before I reached my door. After all my diligence, a St. Paddy's Day BBQ stood in my way. Now it's nearly 1 am, I have two days to write 20 pages, and I'm hopped up on coffee and vodka. Disaster. Even worse, my roommates' girlfriend and my neighbor discovered my blog and now they are making fun of me:
"So you're writing a blog about writing your thesis instead of actually writing your thesis?" they ask.
"Yes," I say.
"Ironic."

THESIS PROGRESS: 19.85 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

Signs My Thesis Has Taken Too Long #1

A building on campus burns down, is closed for a semester ... and gets rebuilt.

THESIS PROGRESS: 16 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

Top 10 Lies Told by Graduate Students

I'm really freaking out about my thesis and need to try to be at least a little bit productive today, so here is something that other people have to say about the horrors of graduate school. (Note: I've told No. 4 the most and people are always telling me No. 9, which I can only assume means I must be a really good writer.)

(taken from the Harvard Crimson)

http://www.english.uga.edu/~clandrum/example_html/joke.ex2.html

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

THESIS PROGRESS: 9 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

I

Procrastination Station

5 Ways to procrastinate when you have escaped the Internet and handcuffed yourself to a Starbuck’s table:

1. Eavesdrop on the baristas’ conversation (Right now they are talking about how the song “Hallelujah” comes from the movie Shrek. It doesn’t, but it was featured on the soundtrack.)

2. Stare at coffee mugs. Wish wasn't unemployed & had $$ for frivolous purchases (Clearly $9 coffee mugs are frivolous, whereas $5 coffees in disposable cups are not)

3. Listen to the music. Really listen. Ponder which is favorite version of the song “Hallelujah”: Jeff Buckley, Rufus Wainwright or the dumb kid who covered it on American Idol?

4. Turn off cell phone so as not to be distracted

5. Write this blog

THESIS PROGRESS: 6.5 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

Incognito!

I chose to write this blog anonymously because I didn't want my thesis adviser to read it and get mad. I also don't want any of the people who are in charge of keeping me on track (i.e. the few friends who don't try to tempt me with beer and good times) to know how off track I just may be. So I have taken the reasonable precautions of withholding my name and using a fake picture (kudos to anybody who can tell who the picture is of).

THESIS PROGRESS: 2.25 of 40 pages written*
*That's only for chapter 3, the full thesis is much longer.

Turning lemons into...

This evening I prevented scurvy the old fashioned way: hand squeezing lemonade. It didn't seem ridiculous when I was doing it, but I guess it is. And it didn't even turn out that good. So here's a little wake-up call for all the annoying people who perpetuate that used-up slogan:

• life better give you more than lemon, cause one measly lemon doesn't make much of anything except lots and lots of seeds
• Lemonade needs so much sugar to make it palatable that you could substitute lemon juice with water and not only save lots of time but also make it healthier
  
• maybe procrastinators would be well-served in investing in one of those juice squeezer things
  

Methods in procrastination: Precise Calorie Counting

According to the Chick-fil-A.com meal calculator my lunch was as follows:

• Chicken Sandwich ---------------------- 410 calories
• Waffle Fries (medium) ----------------- 350 calories
• Polynesian Sauce (2 oz) ----------------220 calories
• Sweetened Ice Tea (small) ------------- 1oo calories

Grand Total = 1080 calories

This is horrific! I am shocked and distressed by both the amount of crap I put in my body and by the amount of time I wasted going to their dumb web site, typing it all in and then reproducing it here. My entire purpose of eating fast food was to save time, and somehow I failed at doing that. Well, I guess this goes to show that I need to leave the university food court and find a study spot that doesn't have an internet connection.