VIEW FROM THE IVORY TOWER: after-hours study spot

When the task of writing a thesis grows from a discrete event into a lifestyle, the socially inclined grad student must adjust his or her habits to accommodate this burden. Sometimes that involves taking your laptop to the bar. Ironically, I found it no less distracting than the oh-so-studious coffee shop. And as an added bonus, the alcohol takes the edge off the academic anxiety. One word of advice: Bar studying should only be done Sunday thru Tuesday nights so as not to disturb the bar-goers who actually have lives and want to have fun.

PS. I don't care how starving a student you are; tip your barstaff!

The Elevation of Procrastination

I love Slate.com! Sometimes it gives me a reason for living. Often it gives me a reason to avoid working. Last week, it did both. And it explained the raison d'etre of my blog in the process. You guessed it, my dearest Slate did a special issue on procrastination. I wanted to provide links to it everyday, but I never got around to it. So here are the links to all their amazing articles on procrastination in one easy blob. Enjoy!

Tuesday

"Lollygagging Through Life: I'm joining Procrastinators Anonymous—can I get past step one?" by Emily Yoffe. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Procrastination Lit: Great novels about wasting time," by Jessica Winter. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Lazy Money: The procrastinator's portfolio: An investment guide," by Daniel Gross. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Letter to a Young Procrastinator: Some last-minute advice from a veteran slacker," by Seth Stevenson. Posted May 13, 2008.

"Procrastinators Without Borders: Do the Japanese waste more time than we do?" by Heather Smith. Posted May 13, 2008.

Wednesday

"Solitaire-y Confinement: Why we can't stop playing a computerized card game," by Josh Levin. Posted May 14, 2008.

"Pro·cras·ti·na·tion: How we got a word for "putting things off," by Ben Zimmer. Posted May 14, 2008.

" 'It's All in My Head': Did Truman Capote and Ralph Ellison have writer's block—or were they just chronic procrastinators?" by Jessiac Winter. Posted May 14, 2008.

Thursday

"The Unfinished Stories: All the stuff we never got around to including in the special issue," by Daniel Engber. Posted May 15, 1008.

"Like There's No Tomorrow: How economists think about procrastination," by Ray Fisman. Posted May 15, 2008.

"Procrasti-Nation: Workers of the world, slack off!" Posted May 15, 2008.

Friday

"Taking Your Time: Josh Levin and Seth Stevenson finally get around to answering readers' questions on procrastination." Posted May 16, 2008.

School's Out for the Summer!

The semester ended last week, and from my perch at the university library I watched another generation of students clutch their diplomas in one hand and swimsuits in another as they marched to their graduation kegger/pool parties. I am still trucking away. Unfortunately, the more progress I make, the further away from the goal I seem to be. For example, my adviser is now giving me the corrections to my corrections to my lit review. For the love of God, I just want to graduate.

Photo by Brandt Luke Zorn

The Prodigal Blogger

Inevitably, the habits that transform a diligent grad student into a miserable grad student are the very same ones that turned me into an errant blogger. So, I apologize to all of you who have missed their preferred source of procrastination for the last few weeks. But I'm more or less back. I don't promise you anything. But here I am nonetheless.

I can't say that things have been particularly good in the interim. Somewhere in the drudgery of it all, I lost my sense of humor. And while problems viewed through a fun-house mirror are hilarious and entertaining, those same problems when viewed through a department store dressing-room mirror are a burden for all to witness. That's probably why I stopped writing. But for the sake of all involved, I will try to re-find my sense of humor. If I can find my glasses after losing them under my bed for a year and a half, I can certainly find my missing humor. If nothing else, I'm sure I can buy one used on Craigslist.

NOTE: This painting by BANKSY is a visual representation of my thesis with a sense of humor attached

STUDY TIPS: where to find that...

A couple weeks ago, when I was doing my lit review questions, I got really really stuck. My adviser wanted me to "incorporate more theorists" into my argument, and I simply did not know of any theorists other than the ones I'd already incorporated. Have you ever been there? It's an unhappy place to be.

I searched high and low and hit the university library and library Web site a few times ... all to no avail. But then, at the last minute, the luxuries of consumerism saved me: Amazon.com. No, I didn't find some new method to cheat. I just discovered its highly developed search engine that--because Amazon has a profit motive, whereas the university library does not--actually succeeds in helping me find things.

Here's what I did (hopefully, it can help you too):
1. I typed the name of my one known theorist into Amazon
2. I scrolled down to the "other people bought these books too" section
3. I found the mother lode of relevant yet previously elusive theorists
4. I opened a new browser tab and typed name of new people into school library search engine
5. BINGO - free books!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, it was like magic. All my problems were solved. Marx may hate me, but this system combines the best of consumerism (user-friendly products) with the best of socialism (free stuff). The only thing you have to watch out for is back strain. I found such a trove of research that I filled my camping backpack TWICE. Remember to lift with your kness and not with your back, and happy studying!

Note: Camera phone photo of my first batch of library books all set up neatly in a library study corral. Speaking of which, that's another great thing about libraries: free study space. No purchase of a $5 coffee required.

STUDY ANTHEM O' THE DAY: Nochella

I wish I had gone to Coachella this weekend. I went last year. But that was my old life. This year, I stayed home and studied. (And still managed to be three days late on a deadline.) In honor of the missed music festival, I feature one of the bands that played. What have you missed out on for your education?


The Verve - Blue
I don't know if they played this at Coachella, cause I wasn't there.

Deadlines Smedlines (Part II)

Two customers just walked in. The story comes out. This place is closing next week. They are sad. I am too. Perhaps I went to Starbucks one too many times myself. I should’ve come here more often. Explains the missing credit card machine and conspicuously blank walls (which were once covered in local art). I don’t want to turn my blog into a cheesy morality tale, but it is said to watch something good and unique shut down. So frequent your local coffee shops when you study, friends. This really is sad. You can help prevent this loss in your town, I guess.

The lady customer just said, “We should’ve come here more often.” Ditto. Ditto to everybody.

Deadlines Smedlines (Part I)

The deadline for the next portion of my thesis is (or was) today. I made a pretty good effort to meet it ... that is until one of my friends invited me to a local music festival. Yes, it’s quite irresponsible to go to a music festival the day a paper is due. And no, I never would have dreamed of doing such a thing in high school or even college. But in an effort to be at least a little responsible, I did set my alarm for 6 a.m. to finish before the festival.

I did wake up. I did not finish.

I left my friend at the festival about an hour ago. Now, I’m at the loneliest coffee shop in the world trying to pass the time and get a few lines (of my thesis, NOT my blog) written before going to a bar with another one of my friends.

The coffee man (this is an indie place, so he is definitely NOT a barista) has been watching the game with a sigh on his face. Then, when I wasn’t paying attention, he muted it and put on an old Stones CD. The words, “What a drag it is getting old” blasted at me, the aging only customer in the shop. The abrupt change in music had the effect of seeming like it was part of the game. But then it kept going with its creepy minor key and tales of yellow pills, even after the play ended. Classsic rock is normally annoying in the over-played way. But tonight, alone in this desolate, hot, sticky coffee shop, it sounds new again. And scary.

Perhaps I should have heeded the hand-written “CASH ONLY” signs that were never there before and hightailed it to the Starbucks across the street. Instead I pulled out all the cash I had, tossed three ones on the bar and said, “What can I get for two dollars? I wanna tip you one.” Coffee man filled up a mug of black coffee. And here I am, alone with my thesis, the game, and the oddly terrifying sounds of Mick Jagger.

LIFE AFTER THESIS: working stiff?

For the first time in maybe a month, I set my alarm clock. I also got out of bed before 9 a.m. And I did all the things that I used to do in the morning when I lived my old life (shower, dress, put on deodorant, etc.). Even though I'm more or less productive as a thesis writer, there is something to be said about making oneself look presentable. It just feels more productive. Anyway, the point of this makeover was not a part of my newest psychological trick to be productive; it was for a job interview. Today, I peeked back into the "real world," if only for two hours.

There is something comforting about going to an office, like a freed prisoner returning to the safety of his old cell. And if I was looking to settle down, said job would be perfect (great salary, benefits, steady, etc..). But it is neither exciting nor soul-nourishing, and I probably will turn it down. After suffering through my thesis for so long, I need to do something amazing. I can't sacrifice myself to the gods of commerce yet. Or can I?

Parabolic Compass by Leonardo Da Vinci

IN THE NEWS: Fun with Science

If only my thesis was on this topic, I would have graduated years ago...

Masturbation may prevent prostate cancer

Frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer, Australian researchers have found. It is believed that carcinogens may build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly, BBC News reported on Wednesday. Read more>>

Reading Quiz:
According to this article, at least how many times a week do you have to ejaculate in order to reduce your risk of cancer by a third?
(a.) 1 time
(b.) 3 times
(c.) 6 times
(d.) 12 times

Stupidest Way for Students to Save the Planet

It's after midnight, so technically Earth Day is over. But I just had to give you this one last environmental gem:

So I went to the campus gym tonight, and I notice water coolers all over the place. On each water cooler is a sign that says (to the best of my memory):

Disposable Water Bottles Kill The Earth!
Please Use Non-Disposable Water Bottles!
This Water Cooler is Here So That You Can Refill Your Non-Disposable Water Bottle!

As you know from my previous post, I am all for saving Mama Earth. But this tactic is a little ridiculous considering:
(a.) There are already a plethora of permanent water fountains in the campus gym
(b.) In addition to permanent water fountains and (now) temporary water coolers, a (second) plethora of vending machines selling disposable bottled water litter the campus gym.
(c.) What if somebody wants to refill their (gasp) disposable water bottle using the water coolers? Will a environmental hall monitor rebuke them? Will they make the thirsty person throw away their disposable water bottle in order to buy a non-disposable one? Or will they simply point the thirsty student in the direction of the water fountain?

TOP 10 Ways Grad Students Can Save the Planet

In honor of Earth Day, here are the top 10 ways that you, the lowly grad student, can save our planet:

1. Stop reading this blog and turn off your computer (electricity is bad for Mama Earth).

2. Without a word processor you will have to resort to low-tech ways to write your thesis: Gather leaves in the backyard and use them as paper (regular bleached paper is awful for the environment).

3. Prick your finger and use the small stream of blood as ink (Haven't seen a study on this one, but I imagine that ball point pens kill baby penguins).

4. Turn off the lights (As I mentioned in No. 1, electricity is EVIL)

5. If you cannot study in pitch black, do NOT study by candle light (wax is an endangered species)

6. Instead, make a small campfire from the required books you most hate. (Recycle: use library books.)

7. If you are a grad student in science: Invent cold fusion, practical solar panels, or a hybrid that actually looks cool.

8. Read this NY Times article about climate change by Michael Bollan and be inspired to plant a WWII-era victory garden.

9. Google "victory garden how-to." Scream at roommate for once again breaking the Internet, and then realize that Internet doesn't work because you turned off your computer.

10. Try flattery. It works with professors, maybe it works with the environment as well.
MEN: Hit on Mother Earth and call her a MILF.
WOMEN: Sleep with Al Gore

Ruined Landscape by Banksy

VIEW FROM THE IVORY TOWER: Ideal College Bar

Sometimes, a grad student needs to take a break from the hard work of procrastinating and enjoy a good beer in a pretty place. (Or, in my case, take a photo of a nice beer in a nice place)

This photo illustrates one of my many definitions of heaven. Isn't it nice? It makes me happy just looking at it. But it made me happier when I drank the beer.

PS. Kudos to those who can correctly guess the type of beer I was drinking.
PS2. I think the choice of beer (i.e., NOT Schlitz or Naddy Light) separates grad students from the common undergrad.
PS3. Not to brag, but I really outdid myself on this photo. Three cheers for my camera phone!
PS4. I apologize for bragging in PS3.

Deadline Dilemma: Part II (the possible solution)

Maybe a complete and utter disregard for personal hygiene proves to my professor how much I care about my thesis. I am so absorbed in the abstractions of deep thoughts that I cannot be bothered to lower myself to the trivialities of mere mortal bodies. Will he buy that? Or should I just douse myself in perfume and call it a "French" day?