Graduation Scavenger Hunt

A couple days ago I (gasp) applied for graduation. According to the ticker at the top of this page, I am about 28 days early. ... Or 2 years late. Depending on the way you look at it.

The process of applying for graduation led me on an Alice in Wonderland round of adventures. I started at the registrar, line No. 7. Wrong line. I was rerouted to the bill collector upstairs, who is either the Queen of Hearts or a lady straight out of a Seinfeld episode : buffont hair, glitter claw nails, a real witch's wart on her check. And the whole time she processed my graduation fee, she was singing along to 70s easy listening in a Jersey accent ... or yelling "Off with their heads!".

Along with my receipt, Ms. New York gave me a "how was your time in college?" survey and a golf pencil. I checked "highly dissatisfied" on the "how long did it take you to graduate?" box. But I also felt guilty doing so, since the tardiness is my fault, not the university's.

Back downstairs to registrar, line No. 10. The college worker took my receipt, my survey and my golf pencil and gave me a different receipt, this one said "congratulations" on the top. Except that my name, which will appear on my (gasp) diploma, was misspelled, so I had to go back to the registrar, line No. 7 to fix it. Then to another building to pick up a 70-page thesis format manual. And finally, to the student gym to sign up for yoga. The yoga classes are not a required portion of the graduation process, but i figure that after all this stair climbing and form filling out-ing, i'll need to stretch a little.

Deadline Dilemma: Part I (the question)

I'm meeting my adviser in 1.5 hours to discuss my exit plan and to turn in a portion of my thesis. I haven't taken a shower in several days and I still have to put some (MAJOR) finishing touches on this paper. So do I use the next hour and a half to bathe or finish the paper? In other words, which is more offensive to a professor: an unfinished paper or BO?

Thanks Scholarpreneur!

Gee, it seems that EVERYBODY but everybody loves my grad student advice column. OK, fine, I'll make a few more of them when I get around to it. But in the meantime, let me brag some more about my growing hit count.

Click here to see my cumulative 30 seconds of fame as well as some other cool posts from college students.

PS. If you're interested, Scholarpreneur is a rad blog about college stuff. Enjoy.

IN THE NEWS: The Will Power Muscle?

Finally an explanation for why I can't study and diet at the same time.. But seriously, do you think this actually works? What is your experience with the power of will?

The Will Power Muscle

(In case your are a hesitant link-clicker, this is an NY Times Op-Ed article called "Tighten Your Belt, Strengthen Your Mind." Not convinced? It's written by Sandra Aamodt and Sam Wang. Don't care? Well, you should at least click to see the cute and strange illustration by Michael Klein.)

ASK A GRAD STUDENT: Help, I hate my thesis adviser

Dear Miserable Grad Student,

I hate my thesis adviser. I really want to kill her with a bowie knife. I know that I should just wait till after I graduate, but that feels forever away. And my anger is distracting me from my studies. So maybe if I kill her now, I'll be able to work more efficiently. But then again, the department may look upon it unfavorably. And is a bowie knife the right tool? Should I use a bigger knife? Or nun chucks, maybe? PS. I LOVE your blog! Thanks for brightening my day.

Sincerely,
Blood Thirsty in Baton Rouge

Dear Blood Thirsty,
Thank you for you warm praise. From your letter, I can see that you are a very creative person so I am quite flattered.

Now, I know that academia can be as all-consuming as a black hole. But let me remind you that on the outside, murder is illegal. It is also mean. The "I Hate My Thesis" blog and all subsidiaries does not condone violence in any way.

That said, you need to find a healthy way to vent. I would advise starting a blog like mine, but I don't want any competition. Instead I advise making a voodoo doll in the likeness of your thesis adviser. You can sew little costumes to make it look exactly like her down to the smallest cross-stitch. And then you can rip that dolly to shreds with your bowie knife...

Or, you could grow up, stop procrastinating, get back to work, and finish your degree. You must remember that thesis advisers are people too. (And if you're lucky, you may become one some day.) Yours wants you to graduate just as much as you do. So give her a break, bring her some donuts, and go onward to the finish.

VIEW FROM THE IVORY TOWER: Industrial Water Fountain

No witty banter around the water cooler for you, my friend. (Of course, ya can't chat about last night's American Idol gossip when you're too busy studying to watch TV. So think of it as sweet release from your social ineptitude.) Nope, you get the industrial water fountain; it's your share of Soviet-era plunder from when we won the Cold War. Congratulations. On the bright side, if you're drinking microscopic lead chippings, you can always sue the university. Sure, your $50 million settlement will deprive the next generation of research funding, but hey, you'll have finally found a way to strike it rich as an academic.

PS. Oh the sacrifices I make for you, my readers! ... I endured a string of weird looks from undergrads who simply could not fathom why one of their superiors would need to document the library's water fountain with a camera phone.

Playboy Supports Higher Education

Turns out I was wrong to be disparaged when the Playboy Editor told me that graduate degrees were a waste of time. He must have just been "testing me" because the highly distinguished publication clearly values all pursuits of the student body. The proof is in this video blog:

I HATE DIABLO CODY

No, I am not justified in hating her. It is purely spite and jealousy. But as I sit here, forcing myself to do something I don't want to do (my thesis), so that I can get a degree in something that the Editorial Director of Playboy told me to my face will NOT forward my career, I can't help but think that there is a new law for aspiring intellectuals:

master's degree = bad career choice
stripper = good career choice

Oh why oh why did I pick the wrong one? Why did my dad push me towards higher education, when I could have sold my body to achieve my dreams?

Ms. Stripper Pen Name is doing what she loves, while my career lies fallow. And her success story really pisses me off -- it tells the world once again that in order for women to be recognized, they have to use their sexuality. Yes, Cody is smart, talented and hardworking in her own right. And Juno was a great movie. But does that not make her situation all the worse? If smart, talented, hardworking and funny women cannot have writing careers without showing skin, then what is left for the rest of us?

I found this photo on her myspace. Just look at her with that retro tattoo, milky cleavage and smug expression. What a bitch.

IN THE NEWS: Why none of us can get a job

Strangely enough, this article is the bridge between my former life (a cross between TV shows "The Office" and "Entourage") and my current one (too boring for television)...

And do you think it's depressing that this kind of entertainment is privileged in our society at the expense of good writing? I do.


television

A Unified Theory of The Hills

Pretending to be yourself isn't easy.

By Troy Patterson
Posted Tuesday, March 25, 2008, at 2:54 PM ET

---

The Hills (MTV) is about the lives—the square-one jobs, the rock-stupid romances, the pricey-looking highlights—of some young women living in greater Los Angeles. These are, principally, Lauren, Heidi, Whitney, and Audrina—though Audrina, being a brunette, might not really count. The Hills, one supposes, is the lives of these women in the most complete way that a television show could be. These are real people pretending to be themselves and making a virtue of banality. ... Read more>>

So where can I find my advisers blog?

The Professor as Open Book
By STEPHANIE ROSENBLOOM
The New York Times, March 20, 2008

IT is not necessary for a student studying multivariable calculus, medieval literature or Roman archaeology to know that the professor on the podium shoots pool, has donned a bunny costume or can’t get enough of Chaka Khan.

Yet professors of all ranks and disciplines are revealing such information on public, national platforms: blogs, Web pages, social networking sites, even campus television.

When scholars were recently given the chance to refute student criticism posted on the Web site RateMyProfessors.com, a cult-hit television series, “Professors Strike Back,” was born. The show, which has professors responding on camera to undergraduate gripes such as “boring beyond belief,” made its debut in October on mtvU, a 24-hour network broadcast to more than 7.5 million students on American college campuses. Read more, you lush>>

Thesis Progress: These song lyrics best describe the state of chapter 3: "She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, yee-haw."